JOANNE NESTI: Welcome to tonight's debate between Senator Joe Lieberman and his challenger, Ned Lamont of Greenwich. As agreed, both candidates are appearing in a hermetically sealed environment, protected from the public, journalists, opinion polls and tiny germs. No one but Bob the cameraman has actually been allowed in to see them--I'm moderating this discussion from a day spa in Rhode Island.
LIEBERMAN: Hi, Joanne. Can we make this quick? I have important Senator stuff to do.
LAMONT: Good to be here. And no you don't. None of the other senators like you.
LIEBERMAN: Yes they do. Chuck Schumer likes me.
LAMONT: He doesn’t count.
LAMONT: Bear commercial maker.
LIEBERMAN: Weicker toucher!
LAMONT: Bush smoocher!
LIEBERMAN: Republican communist!
LAMONT: Republican Republican!
LIEBERMAN: Your supporters are hippies!
LAMONT: Your supporters aren’t even Democrats!
LIEBERMAN: One issue wonder!
LAMONT: Wrong on every issue!
LIEBERMAN: Float builder!
LAMONT: Droopy Dawg!
LIEBERMAN: You’re short!
LAMONT: You have terrible hair!
[They begin to bite and slap one another]
GERRY BROOKS: Joanne, shouldn’t we stop them?
JOANNE NESTI: What? Sorry, I’m having some sort of seaweed draped over my head. Are they still talking?
[Cut to JOHN DESTEFANO and DAN MALLOY sitting on a ratty old couch, watching the debates]
DESTEFANO: Why don’t our debates ever get covered like this?
MALLOY: Because you suck.
DESTEFANO. …Shut up.
[Cut to JODI RELL, ALAN SCHLESINGER and GEORGE GALLO, sitting on a much nicer couch]
SCHLESINGER: This is great! I’m totally going to win!
RELL: [Rolls her eyes] Suuuure you are, Alan. George, tell me we’re making progress on Operation Skull and Bones?
GALLO: Yes, the reanimation of Hiram Bingham is nearly complete. The guys at Pfizer helped.
SCHLESINGER: What? What was that?
RELL: Nothing, dear.
[Cut back to debate. LAMONT has LIEBERMAN in a full nelson]
LAMONT: Say it! Say you’ll support the primary winner!
JOANNE NESTI: Well, folks, there you have it. The most important debate Connecticut has seen in years. I’m sure the three or four of you who are actually voting in August will get a lot out of it.
Coming up next on NBC, endless reruns of Friends. I’m Joanne Nesti. Good night.